Don't be Defensive!

I recently went through a situation with someone I appreciate. This person is a valuable addition to our team and before you read further, know that things are worked out and I don't believe we will have this type of problem again with one another.

If you are a leader, expect to catch heat. Heat you caused. Heat you didn't cause. Heat someone else caused but you're left to deal with (because you are where the buck stops) and Heat that is perception-based and doesn't hold much truth.

In this situation the person sent an email describing their concerns and correctly asked if we could address them together. I understood that a return email would be a useless endeavor. Not only does an email show very little in tone (aside from harsh), the list-factor to answering the concerns would have made an email come off as a boxing match rather than a desire for resolution and reconciliation. So, I picked up the phone.

I began the conversation with: 'to start, I'm not upset with you at all. I don't believe I have any reason to be.' (The tone of the initial email let me know that it took a lot for this person to express their concerns. I quickly wanted to neutralize their fear of a damaged relationship.) This quickly calmed my friend and we continued...

We then talked through several of the issues and ultimately discovered that the vast majority of the concerns were unsubstantiated and some were downright lies and gossip that needed to be corrected.

As I said, we're now completely fine and a good heart to heart took place. I think we'll move down the road much quicker and stronger together now that we've had that dialogue.

Here's the lesson:
Leaders, don't come off defensive! Perception IS Reality in most every situation.
No matter the quality of the concern brought forward, you can destroy your ability to get to the truth by acting defensive. The truth is that at times you may make a bad call. Own up to it and move on. No need to 'defend' a bad move. Other times someone may have lied or misunderstood. What's the need to be defensive there? Simply show that you're completely unfazed because the accusation is baseless. Be deliberate but completely calm. Use silence as your friend. It will highlight the fact that you are responding, not reacting.

When I began in ministry I tried to defend everything. I wanted everyone to like me. I wanted to do a great job (always have wanted that and always will) but I also wanted everyone to agree I did a great job. I was afraid of anyone being uncomfortable with me. I quickly learned that you will always have someone somewhere who disagrees with you. It's important to find security first in God and then in a few solid Christians whom you respect and will be honest with you. These are the people in my life who are my 'caution flags'. If they say something, I pay attention.

In the situation above I calmed the situation by simply not trying to defend myself. Again, when you're right you don't have to! When you are wrong you can quickly admit it and move forward. When you spend time trying to justify a bad decision or get angry over a lie, you end up with egg on your face! Don't be defensive.

Being defensive is more of an attitude. You can set the record straight with people without having a 'defensive' attitude.